I must be a bad person.
That’s what I thought, because I was punished so often. My mother was uncontrollably angry with me, but it was anger without explanation. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong or why I was being hit.
I lived under a cloud of near constant disapproval, always in trouble.
One day when I was very young, my mother was furiously hitting me when my grandmother who lived next door came unexpectedly into our house. I can still hear her loud, clear voice: “Do not strike that child!”
That was the day I learned I did not deserve to be hit. That was the day I learned it was my mother who was doing something bad.
It is interesting that some childhood memories remain so vivid. For me, it is the acts of cruelty and kindness that stand out.
I remember my grandfather holding me in a rocking chair as I fell asleep, singing:
“Home On The Range.”
I remember my grandmother buying me a toy rifle at a department store, even though it was neither Christmas nor my birthday.
I remember seeing my mother’s face in the bathroom mirror above mine as she shook me violently while I was trying to brush my teeth. I was beginning to understand my mother’s inner demons had nothing to do with me.
I remember when my enraged father was hitting me one night, hearing my mother scream: “Not in the face!” That taught me something about guilt.
I remember the last time my father spanked me. I was getting older, and as he started hitting me I decided I would not cry, no matter how hard he hit me. He finally gave up trying to make me cry. I’d been silent the entire time. He never spanked me again.
As I grew older, my mother found more sophisticated, psychological ways to be abusive toward me, to demean me. But I was learning to defend my own soul and I became strong with understanding.
After I’d left home and was married with two sons, I confronted her numerous times over the years about her behavior. She never acknowledged what she’d done.
Some people get better, some get worse. It’s taken much of my life to rid myself of the damage that was done, but I recovered and made a new life, freeing myself from the ghosts of my childhood.
My mother died at age 91, never facing the truth about her life. I took care of her during her last years, treating her with as much compassion as I could, compassion I’d never received, and in so doing, saved my soul.
~ by Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved
